Goli No 16.... Mumbai to Goa …… thodhasa time pass……..

Year 1999……our Annual Plan Meet…. A.P.M………Business reviews………Goal Setting……… Trip to Goa ………The Main Agenda used to be…… Fun…… Food….. Feni..………The entire team was Foodie……………… Lots of food…… time Pass…..some work……We got into a Luxury Bus from Mumbai…… for Goa………at night 8pm…….. me……menon…… dandapani……banerjee…… and bandya…….

Dress code for A.P.M was declared…...Blazer’s …… tie…….. only banerjee turned up in blazer’s…………. rest of us turned up in shorts…. Tee’s……… and jeans…….Banerjee muttered ……………I look stupid with Blazers and tie..……in a bus…………He assumed ………….. we would arrange a car

By 10 clock our Goli started…….. we got divided into teams………Me ……. Bandya…… on one side and Menon……Dandapani on the other ..….Banerjee neutral…….not knowing Bhaat Bill happen……….

……Bandya started in Marathi……………with the conductor……. Me in tamil……..conductor reminded me to talk in………..Marathi……..as he didn’t understand Tamil………..I continued…….video poddu……..Rajni.......He said ‘Hee Goa Bus haay ……Madras naahi’……..He put ………Shahrukh Khan’s………… dilwale dulhaniya… movie…... By 11 clock……….. everybody was engrossed in the movie….... Dandapani………….. went and switched off the T.V………he said loudly…… He wanted to sleep………….Bandya got up shouted…………at the conductor …… TV lav……paisey vasool karnar…………

I garnered support for T.V watching…………few passengers shouted……. Aila… T.V laava………the T.V was put on ……………..Menon meanwhile garnered support………shouted……………who all want to sleep………….A new mob gathered and shouted……….. T.V bandha kara….. zophaychay ………..Conductor meanwhile smelled problem………situation going out of control………..He was confused……….Bandya stood up screamed……….. T.V la haat lavala…. ki haath todnar……….”

Huge commotion……. everybody started shouting ……….. fist cuffs were being exchanged……… Bandya exchanged blows with a few…….. I settled down….…mission accomplished…………. banerjee was very angry………he murmured to me…………you are the Boss…………control your Team……. bhat bill my bife………. think about our company……behaving like …..stupid……… infact…………as he stood up……….somebody pulled his tie………and kicked him on his back side……… banerjee was very angry…………he warned me he will quit …

In the meantime……… Dandapani……..had finished his quota of a quarter cleverly camouflaged in coke bottle…… He was totally tunn….. drunk…… removed his T-Shirt……… and was in his designer chappan…..tikli baniyan and shorts………started doing his nagin dance ……………..in the bus………….Dandapani pee key tight…..

Conductor whistled…………… bus came to halt………. driver announced unless………….people stop fighting ………. and settle down ………. bus won’t move……….. Went to the conductor………spoke in tamil……………enna aachi….. enna ragalla………. Enquired……. Enga rajni…….. Conductor was wild ….. yevda …. Gondhal……. Yevda Tyention…… ani …… madrashiyala rajni pahijey……


People settled down asked ………asked driver and conductor to start…………..It was decided no T.V ……………we all settled ……………. But dandapani was missing………… As the bus was about to start……….. we heard noises coming from the roof of the bus ………conductor got down….…….saw dandapani…………….sitting on top of the bus …………….. shouted “ array melya….. khalti yeh…..Dandapani wanted more respect……….conductor shouted ………………. Array kutriya….. khalti yeh…… Dandapani liked the respect offered to him……..came down after a few more coke shots…………..

It was 2am...….. Lost a lot of time ……… As the conductor………whistled in the dark…………..I smiled at the conductor ……….and checked with him in Marathi……….. Kai Kasa Kai ………….he asked…… hey sagalla kashala……..I replied….. Thodasa…….Time Pass……………

Goli No 15.. gucci..... armani .....and...thaiir satham

Wifey said...... Periappa has called from chennai...... coming to Mumbai for a weeks stay....... Periappa..... 74 years.......... worked in state government undertaking......... rose from the ranks..........worked hard and struggled …………

Stayed in T nagar...... Chennai all his life...... in a simple rented house........ Got his daughter married........ Put his son through good education..... Xlri Jamshedpur.......... son well settled in Kuala Lumpur......... Great multinational bank job......... traveling all over the world........ Periappa stays 9 months in kuala lumpur and the rest in chennai........

Periappa called up........ as soon as he reached Mumbai......... asked me...... when am I reaching home........ bring black label......... Johnny walker.......... being a tee-toller my self...... a bondu madrasi ........ignorant about daaru -shaaru.......... searched for a wine shop in our locality........... spoke in hushed tones........ like a teenager asking for condoms in a chemist shop........... the shop keeper also responded in the same tone........ I ddidnt knew what to say ....mumbled "yahan daru milega.......... he replied in a sarcastic manner......... "Nahin hum andey aur bread bechtay hein"............

I corrected....... my stance..... Johnny walker...... black label........ his respect for me increased........ He appologised....... Mein mazak kar raha tha saheb........ Since, he didn't have black label....... i settled for the next best....... that he recommended......... "Black Dog".............. remembered shahenshaw.......amris puri......meenakshi seshadri.......

Reached home......... by 7 in the evening......... saw Periappa on the computer with my 12 year old daughter........ googling ..........for latest Tamil hit film ............ Tavams song........... Kannadasa...... kanadasa......... Periappa also introduced me to his girlfriends....... on the net.......... bhavana........ and sneha.......... heartthrobs of Tamil films........ he said....... don't tell kaivi.... (his wife)........ she is jealous of my girlfriends......... he then downloaded kannadasa kannadasa song in his latest apple ipod...............

He also showed my daughter......... streets in Chennai........ and his building in Chennai........ over Google earth.......... went to T.nagar area.........anna nagar...... sarvanna stores........ spencers plaza........poes garden.......... and to his complex...........

I offered him black dog....... with soda..... in our steel tumbler........ since, we didn't have whisky glasses.......... Periappa muttered....... Kaapiya....... whiskyya........ my daughter murmured......... vada pav wallah......... he was amused....... my daughter was very impressed by periappa's style...........

She showed me periappa’s.......... Nokia E-76........ Latest apple ipod........ Citizen Ecodrive watch............... Lacoste deo........ Tere D' Hermes perfume........ Tea Rose........ Eaude Cologne..... Yardley brilliantine........ for hair..............Three beauties English county roses...... talcum powder........... belt Mont blanc............... Ray ban sunglass..................

I saw....... a seventy plus year old...... with a zest for life........... Aspirations........ Brands........ Lifestyle.......... fashion.......... and consumption............ his wife talked about savings.......... he said..... Consumption is economic growth......... I thought Kishore Biyani will like him.........rename big bazaar in chennai as periyah bazaar ......he talked about .......... monteblanc......... tag heur........ mango........... Gucci.......... Armani........... etc.....Daughter declared gucci periappa... ..

................and then Looked at my .... ...... chappan tikli (56 holes) banyan ........veshti ........ murmured style matters.... she declared to Periappa ........... Appa will take all of us for dinner.......... I said....... my regular udupi joint.....................


Daughter said nothing doing.......... no udupi's........... she talked about.... pizza hut....... Italian food...... Thai joints........ fine dining......all style......... she thought Periappa would support........ but Periappa shrugged......... his face shrunk.......... his wife-periamma laughed........... she said........ your Periappa........ is a big brand man........... international style.......... fashion icon but.......... ask him to eat........pizza.......burgers.......chinese etc ..........periappa sulked......some excuses ............periamma..........set the dining table.......as we sat for dinner......

My daughter was disappointed......... as she saw Gucci...............eating................thaiir sattam......

Goli No 14...Choo Mantar Choo..........

One Sunday afternoon……..family get together……..parents place………..in Chembur………….My nephew Chellamani…………….four year old………. Fair…………Fat…………chubby cheeks…………Chinese eyes…………..thick soda glasses……….looked like Cute Fat Chinese Boy……..Had lots of energy…………very aggressive…………spoke broken Tamil…………

Hardly could understand what he spoke……… Chella had a problem………would never wear …..pants …………He would roam around the house only in his banyan…….nothing below.... semi nude………Looked funny………..but embarrassing in front of guests………….This is four year old chella for you ……………

On that day …………while the entire family was having an afternoon siesta…….. I was reading in the hall……….with chella watching shin chan…………as usual in banyan……….nothing below… semi nude…….. some guests were expected………….. I asked chella to put pants………he refused adamantly………… I tried to talk to him…………threatened him……………..but...

I asked chella if he wants to see some magic ………….chella said yes……….We had bunch of Huge Black Grapes on the table……………..I asked chella to close eyes I kept the grapes on his fat bums………… did “Choo Mantar Choo” threw the grapes out of the window ………….chella asked where is the grape……….I answered "chella........ grape……………….vanished by magic..... between his bums......

Chella was shocked………….He said how come…………..I said Magic…………..He said Angrily Remove it…………….I said I can’t …………….I said I know the Magic of putting grapes in…………But not Removing out……………..chella ………….bent down searched…………..his bums…………..went to the mirror………. Searched his bums in the mirror………. No trace of grapes………… used torch to search grapes in his back side………In the meanwhile my sister saw his antics………..gave him slap on his Bums……..forced him to wear pants………………………

Bell rang.......... guests arrived…………My Father……….and sister were having coffee with guests…………..Father saw chella………. introduced him to guests…….…Asked him to do Namaste………….and touch their feet…………..chella turned around pulled his pants down…………and in front of the guests started searching for the missing grapes…..……..Every Body was shocked to see the sight ………..Guests Murmured………father and sister totally embarrassed…………….

It took young chella some weeks………..to forget black grapes…………But every time I saw chella without pants………..Roaming………..I reminded him of black grapes………….He would frantically run and cover his bums……………..

Goli No 13….gundu invites....mukesh ambani

Year 2001………2002……………… Our new neighbour ………. Prakash Mani….…. his seven year old son Gundu Mani……… Prakash had joined Reliance Infocom….. Part of a crack team to build ………..Reliance Infoco………..DAKC Navi Mumbai……. was buzzing with activity…………… lots of people from all over India …… had joined Reliance Infocom………Mukesh Ambani was the visionary ……He was Reliance Infocom’s Big Man…………Big Boss..... then

Gundu mani had become my daughter’s best friend by now……………..One day he joined us for dinner…………..My daughter ………..wifey…………and me on dinning table……………eating puliyodarai……………Thair Chatam.….Gundu saw a black brand new Reliance connection on side Table…….How come you have Reliance Communication ………He thought only Reliance employees could get Reliance Connection………………..

I started my Goli ……….I ignored Gundu's questions……. Told wifey….. Mukesh had called up……..asked….. If the phone was working…………..Gundu gasped with open mouth…………curd rice in his mouth…………eyes wide open……….what…….. I continued……. Sunday mostly Mukesh and Neeta will join us for lunch……… Mukesh wants………….Idli with Gunpowder…….. and Paal Payasam………..Neeta wants…...Vengaya Sambar…………wifey continued……..check out with Mukesh…………if Neeta would like Vethal Koimbu…….. or Mor Koimbu………Gundu drank water……….My daughter used to our Goli’s………added…… please remind Mukesh uncle to get New Barbie set………..

Gundu silently finished his dinner…………with a lot of questions in his mind………. He said Mukesh Ambani was his father Boss…………How come we know him…………He is a Big Man etc…………..I didn’t give him any explanation…………..Gundu went home by 10.00 clock…………….by 10.30 we heard noises ……….from Gundu's house above us……….. I had my doubts …… May be My Goli was working…….By 11.30 ………Our bell rang……we saw Prakash Mani in banyan………….Lungi ……with Gundu in his arms…………..angry and crying…… his wife following him………

Prakash didn’t know where to start……………I realized my Big Folly………….Prakash said please tell Gundu that………..what you told about Mukesh Ambani was a Goli………..for fun………..He is crying and wants me to talk to Mukesh Ambani at this hour and invite him for lunch to his house ……….. He says he is my Boss………….and he should come to our house first……



My wifey took Gundu in arms consoled him………gave me a dummy slap………for lying to kids ………..I consoled Gundu …………….As I entered the bedroom after all the drama at around 2.30 a.m………. My Five Year daughter warned me …………….Don’t mess up with my friends……………with big eyes……….. fingers pointed at me……………

Next few days I saw less of Gundu in my house…………..I saw him in the lift after a Month………I asked him about Mukesh Ambani……….He said “Pongo Neenge Chumha dhool udaral” Translated in Hindi………”

Jaho…… Goli Math Do”…………

Goli No 12...Jesus ……. Meets…….. Narayana……

I had two friends with deep religious ……….Spiritual leanings…………in the Colony…………one was Sunder iyer……. My Bachelor neighbour of 35 years……….sunder had met with an accident……. at Wada near Mumbai……….His Arm was severed from his body………Picking up his severed arm .... he washed it………….packed it in a polythene bag………….put it in a bucket…… reached Lilavati hospital in Bandra and got admitted………..

He went through major operations…… surgeries….. Underwent treatment…….for 3 months….. and was back home……

Sunder was basically in to pooja’s…….. prayers……..Mantra’s chanting……. Navgraha Homam……… Bhagwati Sevai etc……. Post accident he drowned himself in to it more vigorously……… Morning……….Evenings as he walked on his walker…….. There used to be loud bursts……… of Devotional Songs from his house……….swamiye ayyappo……....madura malai mamaniye murugaya……………….aigiri nandini chaile sujey………..Bhaja Govindam……....Vishnu Sahasranamam…..

Sunder would also loudly sing along ……..That was Sunder for everybody………………….He had a big business spread all over India and Internationally………..but his Big Car carried the Banner………… ….Jai Shree Ram……….



And now Larry……….my swimming coach ……….Kattar Christian………..Bible Reader………….Preacher…………..Actively involved in church………..


Larry came to our house early Sunday Morning………….8 clock…... He wanted me to join him in church for prayers………….Talked about……..power of prayers…………I was very impressed…………I talked about Sunder…………..his accident…………his prayers…………Bhakti…………..Larry said why don’t you call Sunder……………he will help Sunder heal faster……….put life in to his hands…..

Wifey warned me…………it can be dangerous………….Any way I called Sunder ……… Sunder came in his veshti ………….Poonal………Vibhuti on forehead and arms………Bare chested………..

Larry and Sunder conversed and then…….. Larry asked Sunder to hold his hand……. and Larry started his prayers of Jesus……..Sunder’s facial expressions changed…….….he stopped Larry in his tracks…….Now sunder asked Larry to hold his Hands…….told Larry to repeat with him…………..om namo Narayana……..om namo narayana….……Larry was shocked ……… he said he can’t….

This led to a major argument…………with emotional intensity………….bhakti and ragas on one side…….. and sermons and choirs on the other side……… voice decibels…….went high……..Colony security guards at my door steps…………Neighbours came out…………B.P of Larry and Sunder was at its peak……. we literally separated them physically…………..

Larry went back home……….without any injury…….Sunder screamed as…….. Larry went into the lift with society security guards “My Narayana will protect me………..#@******………….

As I entered house wife was starring at me angrily………………my five year old daughter……….said angrily “appa when are you……..going to grow up………I apologetically muttered………..”Just tried to get …..

Jesus ……….and Narayana………together……….

Goli No 11...Jersey girl ..... connects with saharanpur boy

..... Waking up at 8 am.... i saw jersey girl, my five year old niece from New Jerseyl...... sitting next to me and smiling......... she said..... Good morning Venky........ bai was surprised to see a five year old calling me venky......... I was amused........I saw my father in law……. Having tea…….. wanted to introduce jersey girl to my father in law…….. she wanted to know his name first……. I said ‘thatha’……. She said name…… I said balakrishanan…….. She said good morning ‘balu’…… balu muttered….. ‘New jersey….. New generation’……

Door bell rang……. Nandu phoolwalla delivering his daily quota of garlands……. Nandu from SAHARANPUR…. U.P…… 14 year old….. Trying to help his father…. In flower business…… by delivering it in our colony…….. Also attending municipal school in the afternoons……

As soon as jersey girl saw me….. conversing with Nandu….. she wanted to know…. I said shreya….. this is Nandu…… from U.P…… and then looking at Nandu…… I said ‘shreya se milo….. yeh amrika se hein’……

I asked U.P boy & Jersey girl some questions……. To get them conversing…….. jersey girl in English…… and Nandu in hindi……

As they were conversing…… with out any connection….. Nandu said ‘tom and jerry’……. Shreya’s eyes lit up….. she said…… ‘I love Jerry……. He is soooo cute….. Tom is baaa…..dd……. Nandu said…… ‘Chuhaa...... Billi...... ka chor police........ Billi bahut budbukh….. their tom and jerry conversations continued with a lot of animation….. and jersey connected with U.P……

I intervened…… asked jersey now…… what does she eat in America…… she said lots of burgers……. Pizza’s…… Nandu retorted ‘Kya budgad ……. kya gudbad…… babu our cook prompted…….. ‘Arrey nandu...….. burgar boley toh…… Amrika....... ka ..... Vada Pav..……

This time U.P got excited….. ‘Jab se mumbai aaya...... hoon…… bada pav hi kha raha hoon..…… bohut sasta..….. bohut accha ..…… bhookh mitha tha hein......

I asked jersey girl……has she heard about vada pav…… she drew a blank look……. U.P screamed….. ‘Arrey bada pav pooray indiyaa mein mashoor hein............

I asked U.P boy has he seen India….. ‘Arrey poora indiyaa......... ghoom aya........ basti......... gounda........ illahabad..….. jaunpur........azamgadh..….. benaras..…… poora..... Indiyaa ghoom aya hoon'……

I said…… ‘Arrey yeh toh U.P hoowah'…… nandu said…… wohi toh….. 'Saheb U.P...... toh Indiyaa hein'…….. I stopped my vada pav murmurings…. Thought getting into wrong areas……

Goli No 10...It happens only in India.........

...... met shreya in thane...... five year old daughter of my cousin sister...... born and brought up in New Jersey....... on a short trip to India....

She joined us for a sleep over with my daughter at vashi....... I went to pick her up...... our conversation started in the Meru cab...... I asked her...... Do you like India? ..... Excitedly she said ....... 'I Love INDIA' ......

She looked outside the window...... she said..... she loved.... CROWD..... so many people....... .. TRAFFIC..... so many cars...... auto rickshaw...... I want to ride one...... a herd of cows bumped into our car...... she tried to touch one.... She thought she was in a ZOO....... She saw old depilated buildings.... chawls ......slums........ garbages oozing out of garbage bins......... large politicians hoardings....... slum urchins begging at signals......... Fish market on the roads...... a hijra tapping my window....... at the signal ........ she said..... what is all this..... I have never seen anything like this ...... in new jersey......... I said........ THIS IS INDIA.......

What more do you like in India...... she saw groups of slum dwellers...... carrying asian paints dabbas........ dulux paints dabbas...... nerolac paints dabbas..... filled with water ……. on the highway.....for answering natures call.......... some of them squatting near the bushes...... with dabbas by their side...... she asked ....... excitedly....... what is this ........ embarassed......I tried to avoid.... I muttered....... paint company sponsored events....... brand building...... advertising.......

....... She was confused.... she had never seen anything like this in her life...... looking at the squatters....... Bare bottom brothers and sisters of India....... relieving themselves...... in the wonderful.... natural.... loo of India.... she turned to me for answers.....

I said..... IT HAPPENS ONLY IN INDIA.........

Goli No 9...Vada pav cheers up..... mourning family

Cousin from jersey had arrived.... with hubby..... and a five year old daughter.... father in laws death..... mourning......

after a lot of discussion with my mother.... day... tithi.... rahu kalam.... i reached thane in a rick.... from mulund check naka.... vrindavan society...... for "DUKHAM".... condolence......
Wifey.... warned me no vada pav talks.... ... got a sms...... No Vada Pav talks.... remember mourning......

As I entered the house....... saw a group of people sitting around.... sangeeta & sethu..... Cousin and her husband.... asking time..... date..... How it happened....... serious faces......tearful eyes....... atmosphere looked gloomy..... very silent....... people talking in hushed tones...... dim lit rooms....
Sethu introduced me to his cousin.... from Hyderabad.... sriram.....he said cognizant....... I said fast food..... he asked what fast food......

Remembered wife's warning..... sethu elaborated...... vada pav...... suddenly faces turned around.... the silence was broken..... Somebody said...... "They had seen ratan tata...... narayana murthy..... on ndtv.... with a vada pav entrepreneur...... heard Goli Vada Pav.......

sethu's other cousin prompted....... arrey...... hyderabad mein toh ek vada pav na hona............ hum to tarastey hein vada pav ko............... mumbai airport sein seedha utharney ko............... aur ek vada pav wallah khojay.................. aur thane pohunchnay se pehley do teen vada pav kha liyaa.......

It started with a small vada pav murmurings........... Went to discussions....... then debates...... few laughter’s......... it looked more like a bazaar....... silence was broken...... now it was commotion....
sethu's mother came out...... she had just lost her husband.......... i was totally embarrassed.......... looked apologetically towards sethu and sangeetha.........

I went into the other room to sit with sethu's mother.......... she had pain in her eyes......... her voice choked...... she tried to be normal....... but couldn't...... she had just lost her companion of 50 years........

Sethu asked....... did she recognize me?......... she couldn't........ he then said Goli........ she retorted..... “Ayy ayyo....... Vada Pav Dhane.......”....... with a smile....... we all laughed........ as i left.... we came to the main room..... Vada Pav discussion was still on........ lot of noise...... lot of laughter..........

Sethu summarized.......... Vada pav cheers up..... mourning family...........